A Few Funnies

Go on have a laugh! 12 of the finest double-entendres, 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too. 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' Q. How's your job at the clock company?A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company?A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job on the new highway?A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. Q. How's your job at the travel agency?A. I'm going nowhere. Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?A. It makes my head spin! Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?A. I've had bitter jobs. Q. How's your job at the pie company?A. It didn't pan out. Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?A. We can't keep up with inflation. Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?A. I'm making a fortune. Q. How's your job at the history book company?A. There's no future in it. Q. How's your job at the clock company?A. I'm having second thoughts about it. Q. How's your job on the farm?A. Problems keep cropping up. Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?A. Hanging on by a thread. Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?A. I have clear job objectives. The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The senator and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the senator said to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope said, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."So the Pope slapped her. An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes. "Well, now," sayed the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turned into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome young prince?" she asked. *** POOF *** There before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispers in her ear. "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."