A Few Funnies

Go on have a laugh! The Betting Man A guy was sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the nameLaura Lou written on it,' she replied. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name ofone of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a goodexplanation.' Three days later, he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked upand hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, whichknocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for? 'Your horse called.' Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following are apparently true quotes... Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscurring my vision. I did not see the other car. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES, 1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. A guy rides into an old style Western town to see a crowd of people around the town gallows. The guy, wanting to know what's going on, collars a local and says "Hey, what's going on here?". The local chap says "they're goin' to hang Brown Paper Pete." So our man says "y'what?" And the other chap says "They're a-hangin' Brown Paper Pete." "Well how did he get a name like that?" our chap asks, "Well, " says the chap whose name we don't know, "On his head he wears a brown paper bag, on his feet he wears brown paper bags, on his arms he wears brown papers bags, in fact, he wears brown paper bags just all over his body." "Strange", says our man, "what're they hanging him for?" "Rustling."